Disclaimer: I’m not going to edit this post, think about whether or not it will offend, spellcheck or consider its repercussions in any way. so read if you want, just don’t use it against me, now or later. I’d really just like to release.

WHAT THE FUCK?

I’m pretty much done with 2012. I’m done trying, hoping, praying, doing anything.

This year has to have been the most difficult, the most testing, the most unfulfilling year of my life. I feel like I’m a shell of wasted imagination, a shell working from a place of fear with nothing gained and almost everything lost, for things I cannot explain or understand.

Yes, this refers to everything.

Let me stop being ungrateful though – I have the most magnificent, perfect, God given nephew named Afika. His mother, my sister who had gone missing for a while is home, happy, healthy and has dreams of being a chef. She’s applied for a scholarship at the National Chef’s Association for next year and we’re crossing fingers that she’s one of the chosen few for the programme. My dad; my soldier, the man who loves me like no other, the proud, honest, thoughtful gentleman who lives his life for me is alive and well. As a family, we’ve taken several life changing knocks over the years, the first being the death of my mother. Pretty much been a rollercoaster of life from there.

Today I’m tired. , I’ve had bad news, or news that work against my hopes and endeavours, over the past few months and I have no more strength, no ideas where to turn, no plans on what to do.

The only sure thing, the only thing I know is that everything I seem to try fails. and spectacularly. I feel like the life in me, the fire in me, the will in me is dying. The Universe, God, my ancestors all seem to be absent. Nothing seems to be working out. In any aspect.

I don’t need pity. I’ve thrown many a pity party and nothing helped. I need direction. The energy I have expelled for various things, be it life, love, work, family, friends – none seem to be right. (this moment tastes like a pity party).

I can’t pretend everything is okay. I can’t. I don’t even have the energy for that. Tears don’t even fall out of my eye, and I get it, they are tired too.

Sometimes I think I know what to do, I do it, then like humpty dumpty, I fall, I break and unlike Humpty, putting myself together again doesn’t quite happen.

I’m thoroughly depleted. I hide in work so that I don’t have to smile in social scenes and act like everything is okay and that I give a shit about a conversation I’m having over a drink or food with anyone. I hide in a big glass of wine so that I don’t have to worry about work. I hide in my bed so that I don’t have to worry about being great for my family. I hide in the sun because maybe, just maybe, the dark might give me a few minutes before taking me again.

Dear God, Dear Universe, Dear anyone, anything. I don’t know what the fuck to do and I don’t know what the fuck is going on. That’s all I have. That’s all.

 

 

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unspiced
unspiced

I hear you. I can't provide any words of guidance or inspiration; I'm just letting you know that your honest rant has been heard. I've been here too, except that instead of hiding in the sun, I live in the dark. I go through the daily routine of work, conversations, wine, as someone outside of herself. Ironically, this routine has been my salvation, it's the reason I have not imploded. For me, this past year, my greatest accomplishment has been to establish a routine. For someone whose life has been a series of extreme highs and gut-wrenching, despairing lows, it's hard to accept that there's life in between. It's not the one I expected, the one I thought I needed, the one I seemed to have been striving for in years gone by; but its the one which saved me. I find I have to remind myself regularly. Am I a coward? Maybe. Am I trapped by fear? Possibly. But it's not fear of the unknown. I've tried the alternatives, and I'm trying this now.

There is no way to know whether what you do now is ever going to work out for you, no way to know if it's going to work out the way you'd hoped it would, intended. There are just too many unknowns and we just don't have that control. You'll try something, take a certain path, make what seems like a life-changing decision that will alter the course of your life, and you'll end up tired, frustrated, disappointed, angry, fucked up, not willing or able to do it all over again. But you must. You'll end up frightened that nothing changes and that you're running out of time to get it right. But all the while *you* are changing. And in time you will be ok. You just have to keep trying. There is no alternative.