aarrgghhh

It’s Friday already? eeek. Okay okay, a promise is a promise.

here is this week’s grateful friday post:

braids came off this week.

braids came off this week.

  1. I am thankful for my dad who always comes to my rescue without hesitation. On Monday my tyre got stabbed by some sort of wire on the road and the next day he had my tyre fixed so I didn’t have to buy a brand new one
  2. My bedroom and sleep. I feel so peaceful in my bedroom lately. and I finally unpacked all my clothes from boxes and suitcases, almost a month after moving.
  3. Thankful for being able to do something good, help in a way through www.isaidno.co.za
  4. I am thankful to the honest people in my life
  5. I am thankful for the existence of Chicken Licken hotwings. Yesterday life was redeemed by 12 of those heavenly mouthfuls.
Posted in Moi


One of my resolutions this year is not only to blog more, but also to show gratitude.

I am blessed. Every day. Sometimes I forget, let myself be blinded by trivial shit

So, here’s my first Grateful Friday post, with 5 things I am grateful for this week:IMG_20121228_072655

  1. I am thankful to have people who believe in me. Even when I doubt myself, even when I think I am not good enough, I have people who do not hesitate to keep the encouragement going.
  2. The big back yard of the house. Every morning this week I’ve woken up a little earlier than usual, made myself a cup of coffee, stood on the garden, with the trees, the birds and the sky contemplating the world. This ritual, that I hope to keep up, has really brought me peace
  3. I am so thankful that my car, Bokomo, got fixed. She’s still got a few things that need to be sorted, but for a 17 year old car, she’s been strong. Allowing me freedom.
  4. I am so very thankful that my family is together. My father is my rock. My sister, I cannot live without. My beautiful nephew who’s laugh makes the world so incredible. Love. Daily.
  5. I am thankful for the amazing brands in my care, my clients whose passion keeps me rejuvenated  the way that each of the channels I do work for is so damn interesting! I could marry them all.

 

Here’s to a great weekend.

What are you grateful for?

 


For a while I’d been hearing about this rooftop beach spot in Braamfontein that Grolsch had been using to host Saturday afternoon shindigs. So I finally went last month to check it out. Was surprised that it was actually called “The Beach” – even though I’d seen pictures with barefoot people chilling on beach sand under large umbrella’s – I guess I just imagined those people had appropriated a name themselves. Anyway, going up the steps to the second floor, which is coincidentally the roof I didn’t really know what to expect. And there it was. This quaint little rooftop, with a small Grolsch bar, dabber barmen, beach sand, beach chairs, cushions, big umbrella’s, a DJ stand with decks and all. I’m told the venue is accessible by invite only and takes up to about 30 – 50 people, which makes it quite nice for relaxation, conversation and pretending Jozi has a beach. The views on one side offer a peak from above of the buzzing Juta Street and surrounds, on the other side a beautiful view of iconic Mandela Bridge and Johannesburg CBD. It’s really quite beautiful and refreshing. Waiting for it open again for the new year.

The Beach

The Beach

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So quaint and wonderful

So quaint and wonderful

Ran into awesome Sizwe

Ran into awesome Sizwe

Miss Sunshine and Fred

Miss Sunshine and Fred

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Lovebirds!

Lovebirds!

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Love this picture

Love this picture

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Rose and Lerato

Rose and Lerato

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after the rain...

after the rain…

Miss Boogy Maboi on her birthday

Miss Boogy Maboi on her birthday

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My camera does panomaric prettyness

My camera does panomaric prettyness

 




everything will be okay

Somehow, I know everything will be okay…

On Christmas, I was robbed, while I giving food hampers to homeless people. (story for another day) but later that evening I had to drive to Pretoria and back to Randburg. On the drive back on the freeway, it started raining. actually no, the heavens burst and it was a storm.
I remember being very afraid, worried that I could hardly see anything, worried about other cars smashing into me, worried about all the things that COULD happen and feeling so out of control and at the mercy of the universe. Then, somehow this relief came over me. I don’t know how it happened. In the middle of my frantic prayer and panic i suddenly became calm. (Mind you, I’m having a bit of a crisis of faith, so I guess God or whatever was trying to tell me something)
Anyway this calm gave me clarity. Not just to see the road, but also myself. It was as though I was yanked out myself and I got out of my own way. I was seeing the storm as a cleansing. The harder it beat down on my car and the slower I had to drive I imagined that my being, my universe were being cleansed of the worry, the panic, the constant need to know what will happen, the drama of my life, the pain I seemed to live with.
The second and most important part of that drive was how I gave myself a kind of analogy – You know how when you’re driving on the highway in rain, when you pass under the bridges, this silence happens because you are sheltered momentarily from the downpour by this huge structure. I saw that as life…
Sometimes it feels like the world is just so heavy and seems to be on a mission to break or bend you – then these moments of silence happen. Sometimes we pay attention to them, sometimes we don’t, but they happen nonetheless. In those moments we are offered a kind reprise from what we deem bad. We are offered a certain solace to see, to feel, to breathe. Those bridges made me realise that even though the storm may not have passed. there are moments of this silence that help us be grateful for everything.
Then finally, with me showing gratitude I started to see the storm not as a terrible thing, but a refresh. I started to see that I was allowing this scary thing help me be stronger. I’m not saying that everything is perfect, I am saying that even though it may seem like shit is hitting the fan – use the opportunity to fortify yourself and know that you are strong and that you can make it. Sometimes life gets so damn tragic it’s hard to see clearly, but teach yourself to feel hope, to see the positive and not live out of fear.
Life happens. No need to give up…


Disclaimer: I’m not going to edit this post, think about whether or not it will offend, spellcheck or consider its repercussions in any way. so read if you want, just don’t use it against me, now or later. I’d really just like to release.

WHAT THE FUCK?

I’m pretty much done with 2012. I’m done trying, hoping, praying, doing anything.

This year has to have been the most difficult, the most testing, the most unfulfilling year of my life. I feel like I’m a shell of wasted imagination, a shell working from a place of fear with nothing gained and almost everything lost, for things I cannot explain or understand.

Yes, this refers to everything.

Let me stop being ungrateful though – I have the most magnificent, perfect, God given nephew named Afika. His mother, my sister who had gone missing for a while is home, happy, healthy and has dreams of being a chef. She’s applied for a scholarship at the National Chef’s Association for next year and we’re crossing fingers that she’s one of the chosen few for the programme. My dad; my soldier, the man who loves me like no other, the proud, honest, thoughtful gentleman who lives his life for me is alive and well. As a family, we’ve taken several life changing knocks over the years, the first being the death of my mother. Pretty much been a rollercoaster of life from there.

Today I’m tired. , I’ve had bad news, or news that work against my hopes and endeavours, over the past few months and I have no more strength, no ideas where to turn, no plans on what to do.

The only sure thing, the only thing I know is that everything I seem to try fails. and spectacularly. I feel like the life in me, the fire in me, the will in me is dying. The Universe, God, my ancestors all seem to be absent. Nothing seems to be working out. In any aspect.

I don’t need pity. I’ve thrown many a pity party and nothing helped. I need direction. The energy I have expelled for various things, be it life, love, work, family, friends – none seem to be right. (this moment tastes like a pity party).

I can’t pretend everything is okay. I can’t. I don’t even have the energy for that. Tears don’t even fall out of my eye, and I get it, they are tired too.

Sometimes I think I know what to do, I do it, then like humpty dumpty, I fall, I break and unlike Humpty, putting myself together again doesn’t quite happen.

I’m thoroughly depleted. I hide in work so that I don’t have to smile in social scenes and act like everything is okay and that I give a shit about a conversation I’m having over a drink or food with anyone. I hide in a big glass of wine so that I don’t have to worry about work. I hide in my bed so that I don’t have to worry about being great for my family. I hide in the sun because maybe, just maybe, the dark might give me a few minutes before taking me again.

Dear God, Dear Universe, Dear anyone, anything. I don’t know what the fuck to do and I don’t know what the fuck is going on. That’s all I have. That’s all.

 

 

Posted in Moi