I haven’t written a single thing on this pretty space in over a year and wow so much has happened. I had a whispery dream that I should come back here and use this space as a place of reflection, to not only get thoughts out of my mind but also to be more deliberate about what I say to myself and how I am thinking. I am a big believer in documenting ones life in any way possible.
I yet do not have an idea of what I want my blog to look and sound like, so fo now I’m just going to reflect until it becomes clearer and I understand my voice, the boundaries of how I want to share and to find out for myself if I really find blogging useful for my time and well being. Inking the screen, as and when it feels right is the plan
The other morning I thought about the things, mainly material, that I may take for granted and a small realization that by sweeping under the carpet the importance of these things actually blocks me from appreciating how I spend my time and money and as such, by not expressing gratitude, I’ve closed off the possibility of receiving or even recognizing what I receive.
I’m 32 in two months and I’m not sure where I stand with myself. Do I want more? More of what? Do I want less? Less of what? What do I want this year to mean? These questions have no answers because I haven’t yet taken stock of what I do have. I haven’t yet taken a moment to understand what I do want but I do know what I don’t want.
I know I never want to feel taken for granted, I never want to be uncertain in any sphere of my life, I don’t want to be around anything that causes me anxiety or makes me suspicious of good intent, I don’t want to miss anything in my life because of worry, I don’t want to feel caged, I don’t want to feel heavy and weighed down. I don’t want to feel out of control.
I’m happy about being able to have the material things that I have in my life – I worked hard for them and I want to tell myself not to brush that off as if it is nothing. I worked hard, spent time and energy to make my life comfortable and lubricated my access to choice and freedom. This is important. I am not one who is materially focused, and I had been taking lightly the freedom and choice (nice) things affords me and how time is gained because of comfort. I am able to give myself time and space to imagine, for instance, because I have food in my stomach. What’s nice on top of that is that there is electricity in my home, crockery and cutlery, and so on and so forth. It seems like it’s nothing, but it isn’t. Yes, I want new pots and pans because mine are old, ugly and not as great at giving me the peace of mind when cooking with quality, but that takes nothing away from the fact that I do have what I have and can manage until I can get the prettier I want.
The other day I was standing in the parking lot of studio where I was with my team recording audio for one of my clients and I leaned on my dirty car and smiled. I remember the drama involved in getting this car and how I laugh about it now – I’d been driving my 1994 Honda Ballade for many years and she (Bokomo) died while we were on our way to work. I got this new nameless car within days and that’s a story I like to tell, but on that day, I realized I really really like my car. It’s a cute Kia Rio hatchback that I genuinely enjoy driving. We’ve been on short trips together with friends and alone, long trips with my boyfriend and alone, and I always feel good in my car. I love her and she offers me so much comfort and freedom. I did that. I did that for myself and that is important. Just because a car seems like a “small thing” to many people, and possibly not to many others, I appreciate that I have my nameless baby. I have her and I enjoy her and I am allowed to appreciate this.
Hmmm, so what else can I say I appreciate – there is so much. I think I’ll focus on one thing with every post. This feels good, although I’ll probably have a little voice in the back of my head asking “what shit is this though miss Akona?” which I will ignore.
I may not know everything, I do know I need to stop being so hard on myself. One day at a time.
Hello again, see you soon.